I have spent three springs and autumns in northern Xinjiang. I am already 15 years old, and my breasts are so swollen that I have to use a belt to cover them in order to continue to hide them.

I’m already a real woman.

So, when I saw that soldier walking towards me with a knife, I trembled all over.

The guilt towards Aunt Lan and Xiao Su made me desperately want to live. For this reason, I lingered for three years, kept my name incognito, and endured humiliation, hunger and cold.In every cold night, I force myself not to recall the old days, and regard myself as a little stable boy, wandering in the world, drifting with the tide.

But not even my last foothold will be gone.

At that moment, all kinds of old things came back to my mind. I thought of the high walls of the imperial city, the eaves of the East Palace that flew into the clouds, the tall and generous back of my father, and the teachings of my mother and concubine and the grand master. .

I am a princess, a member of the royal family, a descendant of Dayu, and a woman of the Si family. I was born with righteousness and propriety.When I have to, for the sake of the royal family’s reputation, I should keep my chastity, even if I die, I can’t be insulted.

But I also want to live, even if I am trampled and damaged, even if my innocence is lost and my face is disgraced, I still want to live.Otherwise, how would I face the child who died for me.

The two thoughts were entangled and collided in my heart, driving me almost into madness.When the soldier finally walked up to me, I was on the verge of breaking down.

I had a dagger in my sleeve, and I took it out and held it firmly with trembling hands, intending to kill the man who tried to tear my clothes off, or force him to kill me.

No matter what kind of ending, I can get relief.

Regrettably, I couldn’t escape either way, I didn’t kill him, he didn’t kill me, and the ending I ushered in was the third.

The man wrestled with me, tore off my skirt, threw every piece of clothing aside, and finally saw my body clearly.

But he didn’t pounce on me like a hungry wolf, he just grabbed my wrist, knelt down on the ground slowly, and then, two lines of tears flowed down his haggard cheeks.

He actually cried.

His crying was so sad, so sad, and I looked at him, only to realize that he was also a young man, maybe not a few years older than me.He had a knife wound left by the barbarian on his back, and because he hadn’t had time to heal it, the pus and blood from the wound flowed all over his body, making him hot-headed and haggard, and his crying appearance even looked a little fragile.

But he clamped my hand tightly again, causing my short knife to slip from between my fingers and fall powerlessly to the ground.He didn’t know where the strength came from, and he scratched the blood on my wrist, so that I couldn’t use any strength at all, let alone escape.

At first I thought he recognized my identity, so I cried, but then I thought, this is impossible, he is just an ordinary soldier, he has never seen the shadow of the imperial city, let alone I have met Princess Ping An.Besides, before dying, how many people will cry for others.

He finally spoke, and he said with intermittent tears, I must be a gift from the gods.

His words were slurred, but I finally understood what he meant.He said that he had never tasted a woman, and he was about to die in this remote and desolate place.He thought he was dreaming, or saw hallucinations before he died, otherwise how could there be a real woman standing in front of him on this battlefield that was colder than the underworld.

I know he is honest.A person like him absolutely has no energy left to fabricate lies before he dies.

Once again, I was treated as a gift from the gods, even though what he was praying for was wishful thinking and selfish desires without mercy.

He violated me in the end, he is not a saint, not a sage, just a poor man in a dream.

And I succumbed to him because I wasn’t either, I just wanted to live.

His whole body was shaking, shaking more than mine. He didn’t mean to torture me, but he tortured me nonetheless.

That strange, intense, and unprecedented pain penetrated deeply into my life, buried all the glory of the past, and carved an endless nightmare of the future.The land in northern Xinjiang is so gloomy and cold, and human desires are so hot. I lost my chastity, innocence and dignity in the crazy sweat and violent shaking. If the ancestors of the Si family saw my miserable appearance, they would surely Sigh for me.

But I saved my life.

After enjoying the gift of the gods, his life faded like a dying candle, but in the last flickering of the candle, he seemed to have regained a little humanity.He gave me his clothes, the food and water he stole, and even a rusty key.

He said that although the gate of the Great Wall of the Northern Wilderness is closed, there is a small cellar that can be opened, and I can follow there and escape to the opposite side of the Great Wall.

Holding the cold key, I started to run desperately, escaped from the nightmare, and fled to the direction of the Great Wall of the Northern Wilderness.

The Great Wall hangs in front of my field of vision like a silver blade. My mind is in chaos, and my body suffers from tearing pain and heat. In the dark, I feel that the sky fire seems to be chasing after me, rushing at my feet, Burn my heels with scorching flames.I have no other thoughts but to run.

I finally escaped from the wild land, crossed the boundary between life and death, and returned to the original land.I didn’t dare to return to the army, so I continued to wander south, and finally settled in a strange village.

At that time, I was so weak that I couldn’t work at all, so I simply pretended to be crazy, and exchanged sympathy for food and medicine.But I am no longer ashamed of my behavior. Dignity is a thing, once abandoned once, it is easy to completely change a person.

A few months later, my stomach began to swell, accompanied by dull pains.

I know that in that never-ending nightmare, on the night I was defiled as a gift from the gods, a new life took root in my body.

But I don’t understand why, doesn’t it feel the icy coldness of that day?Didn’t even that sharp, dull pain make it retreat?Isn’t it afraid that the world it has come to is full of suffering?

I only know one thing – I could never have given birth to it.

I decided to end its life with my own hands.I begged for medicine from a benevolent doctor, since it is also impolite and unrighteous to abandon a fetus, so I hid in an empty temple.

That night, after a long absence, I thought of Aunt Lan and Xiaosu.

Aunt Lan often mentioned that Xiao Su was also born from her womb on such a night, under the watchful eyes of the gods.

I have always been clear in my heart that the reason why they sacrificed themselves to save me was not out of respect, let alone because they loved me, but because they believed in gods, and I was a descendant of gods.That’s why they exchanged their own lives for mine, in order to beg the gods to take pity on their souls.

The reason why people are human is because of the soul.Even if the body dies, the soul still needs comfort.

But in order to survive, I abandoned my soul, and I was about to do the most blasphemous act in front of the gods—take the life in my belly with my own hands.

The physical pain was no longer unbearable, however, the burning inside caused me excruciating pain.

That night, I lay in a pool of blood under my body, bathed in the cold moon, and felt that my body was filthy, and my soul was beyond salvation.

Looking at the majestic statue not far away, I questioned my ancestor why he would allow these tragic things to happen if he was still watching the world.If I am his descendant, what is the meaning of the reincarnation of suffering that I and those people have endured.

Should I die, or should I live?

The gods are silent, and the world is not benevolent.

Those people are dead, only I am still alive, and I will never know the answer.